


dilige te ipsum

by wartransmission



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Metaphorical lessons to be learned here yo, break-ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 18:50:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wartransmission/pseuds/wartransmission
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(“It’s practice,” Hal had said when he crawled onto your lap, his hands an imitation of true warmth as he cupped your cheeks. You leaned into the touch with a mild bout of hesitance, because as much as it was unethical- it was still a practical idea. You wanted to try, for Jake. You wanted to be good, and what better way to practice than with an almost clone of yourself?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	dilige te ipsum

More often than not, people seek love from someone else because they find it difficult to love themselves. If one cannot attain acceptance of oneself internally, then external sources are needed, hence one’s closeness with family, or the attainment of a lover.

 

( _“It’s practice,” Hal had said when he crawled onto your lap, his hands an imitation of true warmth as he cupped your cheeks. You leaned into the touch with a mild bout of hesitance, because as much as it was unethical- it was still a practical idea. You wanted to try, for Jake. You wanted to be good, and what better way to practice than with an almost clone of yourself?)_

 

You had thought of it before, if being in love with Jake was a sign of something. You had thought of everything, of every possible argument there was that could ever exist, and sliced them all into nonexistence as you found reasons to be right in your affections for him. Because you believed that you were. How could anyone not be in love with Jake English?

 

( _“You’re learning,” Hal had said when you started kissing him back. He had said more, you remember that he had, but you can’t quite think of what it was with the distraction of his lips on yours with each pause for breath. “Another tally added to your score, Dirk. Jake will be proud,” he said as he pulled away._

_You had felt a throb of guilt in your stomach then, your eyes staring straight into bright red ones as you remind yourself that it’s for Jake. It has always been for Jake._ )

 

You had placed him on a pedestal long before you could realize it and kick yourself in the ass for it. You clung too hard, became desperate- all because you needed someone. You needed _Jake,_ you needed your best friend to be yours because you wanted more, because you had thought that he was close to perfect. You had thought that he would be that one man you would not be mistaken about, you thought that he could love you back.

 

( _Hal didn’t say anything when you flipped your positions, your inner thighs squeezing around his waist as you leaned in close to kiss him. You nipped at his lower lip, sucked on the reddened skin, all while your hands curiously roamed over the expanse of his faux skin. He was silent, as you always were whenever you’re pleasing yourself, his lips bitten red as you lowered yourself to trail kisses on his pale skin._

_He looked right at you when you slid back up to kiss him, and you did not look back. You didn’t have to._ )

 

You were wrong on both accounts. Wrong, because time eroded you. You grew tired of having to make up for everything that Jake lacked, you grew exhausted of having to _chase_ when you did not have to. Love does not work that way, you realized, and your patience still had its limits, as much as you try to think otherwise.

 

Jake has worn you down after a few years pass. You do not count, because it doesn’t matter.

 

( _“At least you know what your sensitive spots are,” Hal said as he slithered up from between your legs to above you, his body radiating warmth as he smirked down at you. “Who knew that I’d maintain that knowledge even with the age gap of my memory base to yours?”_

_“Pity that it doesn’t feel the same way for you,” you said, feeling lax as you lied beneath him. You smirked then and he froze, eyes blinking red as he calculated variables in his mind._ )

 

You break up with Jake eventually. He is in shock after the words leave your mouth, seemingly throwing himself into a panic as he asks “ _why?_ ”

 

“It’s not working out, and you know it. I’m sure you’ll find someone else who wants you easily enough,” you answer simply. He gawps at the ease with which you talk.

 

“You don’t just decide these things without my consent, Dirk!” He cries.

 

“I’ve always had your consent when it came to breaking up,” you point out, feeling irritation churning in your stomach. “You never really cared, Jake. Sure, I can understand why you’d be pissed with my habit of calling you constantly- but you could _tell_ me that. I’m more than willing to listen if you have a problem with me, but you don’t really ever talk.” You’re frowning now, uncaring of how he’s flushing with embarrassment. “This relationship was never really working out.”

 

You don’t tell him that you need more than he can give, and you certainly don’t tell him _who_ it was that could give you more.

 

He is ashamed when he concedes to your wishes, although he insists on making it up to you. (“ _Please,_ ” he says, unknowingly pulling off those ridiculous puppy dog eyes of his, “ _I wouldn’t wish for my best mate to remain angry with me, even after this._ ”) You look at him then, eyeing him in thought, before nodding with a sigh. As much as you dislike keeping yourself in a romantic relationship with him, he is still your best bro.

 

But that’s all he will ever be, now.

 

( _You initiate the kiss after countless times of having Hal push you, your hands more exploratory in their goals as you touch Hal’s warm skin. He falters right from the start, bemused and wary, and you can’t help an almost hysterical laugh when he nips at your shoulder in retaliation to your hand wandering and teasing at his nether regions. The sensations on his synthetic skin are dull compared to what you’re feeling when he grows bolder and slips a hand to cup at your ass, the action eliciting a surprised moan from you._

_“I sense a difference in your attitude,” Hal says in between kisses, red eyes alight with curiosity even as you let yourself be pushed down onto the bed. “Why is that?” You stare back at him for a while before cocking a grin as you prop a knee up, Hal stifling a grunt when it brushes against his crotch as he kneels above you. The grin fades into a contemplative expression when he shifts above you, his gaze unshakeable on your person as he props both of his hands on either side of your head._

_You kiss him again before you answer his question, your mildly shaking hand curling around his nape as you keep it all slow and easy, drawing it out as much as possible as one of his propped up hands flex a bit until his fingers brush against your ear._

_You may be smiling, just a bit, when he pulls away in favor of hearing your answer. You say,_

_“I learned to love myself, is all.”_ )

**Author's Note:**

> dilige te ipsum = Latin for "love thyself"


End file.
